He doesn’t want me.
I wore baggy jeans and hoodies for more than half the year, only changing into t-shirts for summers. I barely took of my converse, ever. I busted more than half my pocket money on chocolates. I made noises (like dheeeeeee, dhaaaan, dhush, woooooooooo) while playing games. I played football half the time. You'd never find my hair in anything except a pony tail. I laughed at girls who cried on broken nails or over lost boyfriend. But no matter how much I tried to hide the fact, deep down I was a girl. I had feelings like a girl. I was not the rough and gruff person I pretended to be. Underneath all those baggy clothes I had a heart. And I secretly dreamed about all the romance the rest of the girls talked about openly.
I couldn’t say it loud of course. I would become a laughing stock. Changing my twenty year self into something completely different, but no matter what I was a girl. And I was in love, like a girl. But he'd never love me back; I was not a girl for him. Just a friend. Only friend.
What’s worse was that he had seen me dancing in the kitchen, just like when he caught me playing games while I was so engrossed in making sounds that went with the action going on in the game . Me! Dancing! In the kitchen! Too much for my reputation as the tom boy! Not my fault, I was just making hot chocolate with music plugged into my ears. I didn’t even see him until he mentioned it the next day.
‘You dance pretty well for someone who sticks to sneakers.’ He grinned at me from across the breakfast buffet. And of course I went red as a cherry.
‘What?’ I had no idea what he was talking about.
‘Sorry but I kind of saw you dancing all by yourself, in the kitchen last night.’ He whispered secretly into my ear.
‘Um… dancing is kind of genetic and I got carried away yesterday….’ I muttered going a deeper shade of red and running to a table.
Well so what if he had seen me? No big! If he told anyone they would never believe him. But what if they did? I would be humiliated. Whatever. I plugged in my headphones and ate my cereal tapping my foot to the beat. As I drained the milk from my cereal I looked up only to see him sitting across from me on the long bench. Well anyone could sit there, I thought to myself as I moved to place my bowl with the dirty dishes. I got back to the empty stadium and started my daily routine with aerobics. Later I saw him running laps at the park, impressive. I found myself an empty swing and started swaying. So what was wrong with the situation? I liked him and always wanted him to notice me. Now that he did (I realized as he threw me a smile while sprinting past me) why was I freaking out. I didn’t even have to change. I was never going to change. If someone had to like me, he had to like me the way I am.
Relax, he doesn’t like me. He just mentioned he saw me dancing…shit! So bloody embarrassing. It would all be better if I just avoid him. I didn’t smiled back when he went past me another time, I just gave a grim look. I avoided him all day in the camp activity. And pushed the regret all way back into my mind. When I went into the kitchen for my midnight hot chocolate I made sure I didn’t dance, I texted instead. I didn’t see him in the kitchen. i didn’t even saw him next day at breakfast. Whatever, not like I was looking for him. It was only later that I realized that maybe he was avoiding me too. I bought myself a couple of chocolate bars and occupied a swing. Then I saw him, running laps again as usual. He didn’t smile.
Satisfied that night I danced in the empty half lit kitchen freely, my iPod stuck into my ears, my eyes closed. I didn’t notice anyone until I bumped into them. I opened my eyes rubbing the tip of my nose. I looked up to see him. He smiled, plucked one of the earphones out of my ear and said
‘You shouldn’t dance so well in converse, alone’ and he put the ear phone into his own and took my hands. We danced; without saying a word, we danced to the beat, our eyes upon each other, your hearts welded together.