because I love you.

Has there ever been a new addition in you life, such that you decide to edit your future plans. some one who doesnt even realize that you are doing this for them. someone whom you love alot, with out bounds. some one so tiny, so awesome, so cute that you just want to cuddle them and keep them right next to you for your whole life no matter what happens.
1st january 2008 changed my life. i didnt even realize it till later how much the presence meant to me. no, it was not some guy i fell in love with and decided to give up my whole future and chase him. no, it was my baby sister. when i first held her i just felt like holding a doll, what she'd become for me? i didnt know. she was not the first sister i ever got i actually have three to cope with apart from her. later as she grew older she became such an influential part of me. even at her two or three years of age we were close like bestfriends. the cute little cuddly thing loves me and I love her.
How i can develop a perfect, understandable bond is even beyond me, I come to no conclusion except the fact that it's love.
And this bond is what got me thinking and made me change many of my plans just so I dont risk this incredible bond I have with my almost-four-year old sister. I totally stumped my plans of going abord because I wouldnt get to see her daily, doing something new. I listed it out. I want to be with her every minute. sometimes i just want to wake her up and ask her how much she loves me. but then I find myself saying
'she is a kid, for goodness sake, she cant answer this'
my friends accuse me of being overly protective and maternal towards her but what can I say? It's just an obsession with loving her. I just pray that she has everything in life that she wishes for and this bond that we have will last forever.
I never did got the love thing, but know it seems to make sense a little. I wish I could just make her understand what she is to me, my dear little almost-four angel, hadia.


M.

A silent crush

It has been days since she saw him. She jokes about it, but in reality she looks out for him. Wonders why he isn't coming to school. And then sighs out of irritation. It's fondness!  Of course he doesn’t know… well maybe he does. But she doesn’t want him to know.

'It's just a joke', she tells her friends, and more so to herself.

She keeps an eye out for him. She doesn’t know herself where this stupid crush is taking her. It isn’t even a crush! She reminds herself, just something she likes.

'But that’s what a crush is silly!' her friends tell her.

Like she cared. She does. But she wouldn’t want anyone to know. She didn’t want to humiliate herself; the secret kept to her would be as fine.

She remembers how it all came out.  When she told her friends how well he was at basketball and how she loved the way his hair shined. Her friends teased her and it was fine of course. It's just a thing friends do; she teased her friends the same way.  She lightheartedly obsessed over him too.  It was all a nice, easy going joke.

But why did she seem to look out for him now and then, it was beyond her.  But hey, it was all laughs right. She hoped so.

Momina.

What we have is a gift, cherish it!

Talking to my friend, Urbah V., yesterday I couldn’t help thinking how important everything around us is! We were randomly talking about a video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6wnxpNKeek)

It got us talking about how much we need to cherish what we have now, in the present. Because, it's not really possible we will have all this in the years to come. Sure we'll have all the stuff like pictures etcetera as a reminder but would we have proof in the years to come about how happy we are with our life? No matter how much we disagree and whine about all the problems, we are happy.

It's this time in our life that we have that craze, we develop ambitions, and we get to prove ourselves. And if god wants that would be the time that we'll have it all. Wouldn’t we be please to know that we have achieved something we always wanted to have?  It just makes you so much more satisfied with your life when you know that you did it. You managed it.

Also, it made me realize how much support I have from people around me. And how much I want to keep it that way.  I want to keep my friends and family as close to me, in ten years time, as they are now. I know time creates distances but it also brings you closer. So just in case I never get a chance again I want to tell you guys I love you. And what a great great great part of my life, you guys are.

And thank you Urbah for sharing the video, I would never have realized this if it weren’t for you

M.

Like me the way i am!

He doesn’t want me.
I wore baggy jeans and hoodies for more than half the year, only changing into t-shirts for summers. I barely took of my converse, ever. I busted more than half my pocket money on chocolates. I made noises (like dheeeeeee, dhaaaan, dhush, woooooooooo) while playing games. I played football half the time. You'd never find my hair in anything except a pony tail. I laughed at girls who cried on broken nails or over lost boyfriend. But no matter how much I tried to hide the fact, deep down I was a girl. I had feelings like a girl. I was not the rough and gruff person I pretended to be. Underneath all those baggy clothes I had a heart. And I secretly dreamed about all the romance the rest of the girls talked about openly.
I couldn’t say it loud of course. I would become a laughing stock. Changing my twenty year self into something completely different, but no matter what I was a girl. And I was in love, like a girl. But he'd never love me back; I was not a girl for him. Just a friend. Only friend.

What’s worse was that he had seen me dancing in the kitchen, just like when he caught me playing games while I was so engrossed in making sounds that went with the action going on in the game . Me! Dancing! In the kitchen! Too much for my reputation as the tom boy! Not my fault, I was just making hot chocolate with music plugged into my ears. I didn’t even see him until he mentioned it the next day.
‘You dance pretty well for someone who sticks to sneakers.’ He grinned at me from across the breakfast buffet. And of course I went red as a cherry.
‘What?’ I had no idea what he was talking about.
‘Sorry but I kind of saw you dancing all by yourself, in the kitchen last night.’ He whispered secretly into my ear.
‘Um… dancing is kind of genetic and I got carried away yesterday….’ I muttered going a deeper shade of red and running to a table.
Well so what if he had seen me? No big! If he told anyone they would never believe him. But what if they did? I would be humiliated. Whatever. I plugged in my headphones and ate my cereal tapping my foot to the beat. As I drained the milk from my cereal I looked up only to see him sitting across from me on the long bench. Well anyone could sit there, I thought to myself as I moved to place my bowl with the dirty dishes. I got back to the empty stadium and started my daily routine with aerobics. Later I saw him running laps at the park, impressive. I found myself an empty swing and started swaying. So what was wrong with the situation? I liked him and always wanted him to notice me. Now that he did (I realized as he threw me a smile while sprinting past me) why was I freaking out. I didn’t even have to change. I was never going to change. If someone had to like me, he had to like me the way I am.
Relax, he doesn’t like me. He just mentioned he saw me dancing…shit! So bloody embarrassing. It would all be better if I just avoid him. I didn’t smiled back when he went past me another time, I just gave a grim look. I avoided him all day in the camp activity. And pushed the regret all way back into my mind. When I went into the kitchen for my midnight hot chocolate I made sure I didn’t dance, I texted instead. I didn’t see him in the kitchen. i didn’t even saw him next day at breakfast. Whatever, not like I was looking for him. It was only later that I realized that maybe he was avoiding me too. I bought myself a couple of chocolate bars and occupied a swing. Then I saw him, running laps again as usual. He didn’t smile.
Satisfied that night I danced in the empty half lit kitchen freely, my iPod stuck into my ears, my eyes closed. I didn’t notice anyone until I bumped into them. I opened my eyes rubbing the tip of my nose. I looked up to see him. He smiled, plucked one of the earphones out of my ear and said
‘You shouldn’t dance so well in converse, alone’ and he put the ear phone into his own and took my hands. We danced; without saying a word, we danced to the beat, our eyes upon each other, your hearts welded together.


M.

FREEDOM...alas...

Never thought they'd come looking for me. How could they? How would they? But still they might. So I hushed past the rooms quietly until I came to the dark corridor where I crouched in the deepest and darkest corner. i was pretty sure they won't notice if one disappeared from that lot, people had escaped before. They have also been caught and the result of that was harsh enough to stop the rest to follow suit and run off. That’s why I had to be really careful because If I get caught I'd end nowhere other than my death bed.

I had never imagined myself to end up in this place. Such a confined place; Trapped, helpless, with abuses being hurtled at you from all sides. But it's not like we had an option. Of course I had to gather up a whole lot of courage to take this step, just to think of the word 'escape'.

I waited for what seemed like hours. And when I dared to get up and creep outside I could see the first light of dawn. So I looked around; left, right and then left again, as if I was crossing the road. Only my eyes crept all around the vast expanse of sea and land. I could smell the sea and see it too. I could even make out the guards that patrolled the borders, with guns. I walked slowly and hid in the thick mangrove bushes. I decided to walk through them, they were the only think that would lead me to freedom, obscured.  I made my way slowly, the mangrove ranches tickling and bruising me where they were dense. 

As I was managing a rather bossy bush I stepped into the water with a splash, some pointy thing penetrating my calf flesh. I shut my eyes and bit my lip to stay shut. I could hear the nearest guard.

'hey matt! Heard something?' he asked.

'your ears are ringing!' I heard matt reply 'they won't dare leave this place. They know the consequences for trying'

True that. But nevertheless I was going to try. Even if I found death on the other end. I had to try, I was determined. The pain was intense so I sat there quietly hidden behind mangroves. I had a deep cut in my lower leg and it was bleeding a lot. When I stood after a few minutes my legs wobbled but I had to go on. So I started moving again this time more quietly. after some time I can see the barbed wires that go all around this place.  As soon as I am out of sight from the guards I make a run for the boundary fence. Forgetting that my leg is hurting and bleeding I reach it and somehow get under it to get to the other side.

Unbelievable. That’s how I feel, I look ahead of me and I see land, not land being guarded. I see freedom. But I can still be caught. The thought pricks me like a needle. And I start running again. Darting and panting around trees and bushes, I run without looking back.

'I am never looking back' I tell myself.

After sometime I stop, looking around I can't even see the dreadful place. I can't even smell the sea. I melt down on the grass against a tree. I have to rest and tend to my wound. I scrape the blood with a leave and then cover the wound with wet mud, making a plaster. Tired by all the running and not being able to sleep the whole night I lie down near the bush and before I know it sleep has enveloped me.

I wake up with the sun on my face! And it makes me happy. Since being trapped in that place we had no sun, no light except those huge yellow lamps they  had. Anyways, at first I couldn’t remember where I was. But then it hit me. I was free!!! I had managed to escape. Te though made me even happier. Now that I looked around I could see the green and suddenly I wanted to run. So I did. I ran, if there were people there they might have thought I was crazy, but I ran because I was happy. I walked all afternoon unaware of my injury or my rumbling stomach, and I ended up at a lake.

The water looked so nice and inviting. I had escaped. I didn’t want to look back. And what better way was there than to shed it all. shed my past , with that though I jumped into the water. Because when I got out I was a new me. With a new life.

M.

The Ice-Cream Man

The soft old music chimed through the houses as the ice-cream man rode into our street; I looked out of the window to see kids already clustering around the old man. They fought to keep their hands the highest and yelled over the top of each other's voices.  My own two children came running to me asking for money to buy ice-cream. So I took them out and watched as they went over to the old man, while I stood at the gate. People in the street might have been wondering that I was looking at my kids but actually I was looking at the man.

He passed the ice-cream patiently around with a genuine happy smile on is old and wrinkled face. He'd come to our society daily, in the sweating heat of the late afternoon.  And every time I'd see him totally unrushed as he passed ice creams around, all without complaining about the noise, the heat or the questions the kids asked him. I never understood how he could ride that ice cream bike all through the neighborhood working is frail legs and still be pleased.

My kids came to me disturbing my train of thoughts and I sent them in as I saw the old man getting on his bike to go to the next street. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with a rag. I had been mustering up the courage to call him for a glass of juice for the past month, after I heard his story from an old tenant in the neighborhood.

'baba ji! Andar aa k thori dair beth jaiye, mai paani laati hun' (baba ji! Sit for a while, I will get you some water) I told him. at first he looked confused as if he couldn’t believe that someone would call him inside their house. After a couple of seconds he just nodded and then came inside the gate and sat on the garden chairs piled in the shade. I smiled at him and went inside. I returned a few minutes with a glass of juice and a sandwich which I served to him. he kept looking at the plate for a couple of seconds, like before.

'shukria beti' (thank you, daughter) he beamed and said before eating. As I watched him eat, gathering up the courage to ask him some questions I couldn’t help feeling the happiness that filled me.  I asked him about his work and family as he ate. He told me he had a son who had five daughters, and he didn’t wanted to be an additional bundle so he had started the job. He said he felt content of all the attention he got here especially from the little kids, even if it was for the ice cream rather than himself. He thanked me when he was done and left blessing me.

After that I called him in whenever I could and we had a nice chat; He told me when his first grand daughter was married off, when his son got a new job. In that time we shared, we developed a bond. So when after a few months he stopped coming I started worrying. I couldn’t sleep and the next day I heard from the guard that he had passed away, silently in his sleep. I said a prayer for him and cried that day as if I had lost a family member. Because you know what? He had become a friend, a sincere one and till this day I haven’t forgotten the smile on his face as he passed ice cream, Or the twinkle in his eye when he talked of his son, how his face used to glow while he talked of his dead wife. 

Once when I asked him if he ever got tired of selling ice-creams? He replied he didn’t because that’s what actually made him happy. It was not a burden for him because he was satisfied with his life.

Not many are like him. We, who have everything; a house, food, clothes keep complaining.  And the few we have we are losing them…

bitter sweet

'Aaaaaaaaaaaaah',I shrieked to my best friend who is also my cousin, but not loudly since there were a dozen other girls sprawled on mattresses all around us getting their beauty sleep.  Don’t get me wrong we aren’t in some boarding school! In fact nothing as cool as that just a grand family vacation, with all cousins and aunts and uncles… you get the picture?
so anyways whenever we have this grand vacation all the girls get to sleep in one room and all the boys in another, that is IF we sleep at all, which we do after talking till three in the morning and then struggling to bed.

'What????' Mel, short for Melanie, whispered back at me where we lay together talking even after four in the morning.

'I left my cell phone in the guys' room!!! And Jen must be texting, she will kill me. And if she calls and somebody picked up!' I was freaked out seriously. Our guy-cousins were annoying, a lot. And what they'd do if they find my cell phone and read my texts of how me and Jen drool over a certain football player, they won't let go of any chance to embarrass me. I could die just thinking about it. And I am not exaggerating.

'OMG! You have to get it back!' she said looking horrified.

'Yes, I am going, but just don’t sleep' I warned her as I got up quietly. i brushed the crumbs of cookies that we had been eating, off my shirt and trouser.

'I won't' she promised solemnly 'good luck' she said gazing at me intently as I sneaked past all the sleepy kittens and closed the door behind me.

Mel was my best friend, for one we had always been inseparable even though we were in different schools and all. Plus we were the same age and had same problem. We loved each other if it hadn’t been of her being a pretty red head and me being a brunette we would have been twins.

Anyway so there I was standing in infront of the door in which the guys slept, hesitating as if I were on some crazy James Bond (007) mission. Only I was not. So I took a deep breath and entered the door. The guys were sprawled, literally, like animals. Even animal wouldn’t have slept like this. I looked around it was like a maze. There is no way I could make it to the other side before stepping on someone's hand or foot or even face.  I could see my mobile resting on the floor cushions in the corner. it's light was blinking, Jen was obviously texting me wondering where on earth I have left the phone that never leaves my hand, except for my pocket.

With my back against the wall I carefully passed all the obstacles; hands and necks and all. I had fifteen unread. Oh my god, I was dead. I thanked god and started for the door only to see Steven, my first cousin, sleeping with an open mouth in such an epic pose that I couldn’t help laughing. I was laughing so hard that I stumbled on someone's leg and fell on the mattress right in the middle of all the sleeping guys.

I kept my eyes close waiting for them to start shouting and all, how awkward would it be if I got caught. Only I didn’t hear a word. So I slowly opened my eyes only to see Emmet sleeping next to me. Thank goodness he hadn’t woken up. We would have started another fight, noting less. Emmet was Mel's brother. He was a year older than me, and we disagreed on EVERYTHING. That’s why we always fought. I hated him. And whenever we met an argument was predictable, which was extremely often since I was at Mel's place half the time. And Emmet, unfortunately enough, also lived there. but he looked quite innocent while sleeping, i admitted grudgingly to my self and thanking god over and over I started to get up only someone caught my hand and pulled me back. That someone turned out to be Emmet. He stared at me; I could feel it even in the dark.

'What are you doing here?' he asked curiously.

'Why do you care?' I started to leave.

'Hmm…I wonder what everyone will say about you sneaking in to this room. Shouldn’t you be in the girls room, sleeping?' he asked tightening his grip on my wrist.

'Don’t boss me! And you'd better keep your mouth shut because I was only here to get my cell phone' I said waving my cell phone in his face.

'Oh, so it was yours' I could hear a smile in his voice.

'How dare you get into my mobile' I snarled at him, I was getting annoyed plus his grip on my wrist was starting to hurt.

'It's just the way I am. You know, loathsome' he sighed 'anyways, I don’t really like this football star you guys keep talking about'

I pulled at my wrist ' leave me, and it's none of your business, stop poking your nose everywhere'

'You don’t get it do you? It is my business when you keep thinking about someone else' that threw me. Way far, to Iran maybe.

'What?' I asked dumb founded the pain in my wrist forgotten.

'Never mind, go to bed' he sighed disappointedly and turned leaving my wrist. It hurt as the blood started pumping in my fingers again.

Still shocked I went back to the girls' room. Mel's expression was one of great relief when she saw me. I told her what happened and she just smiled and kept smiling. When I asked her what was funny she just squeezed my hand and said,

'Don’t you get it silly? He loves you.'

M.

it's like a never ending maze...

Nothing ends at the point from where it starts. Be it a thought, or a piece of writing. It's tough staying close to reality, at some point you are bound to drift into imagination. It seems to me know that nothing really has an end. Everything is like some unfinished business. There are a million possibilities for anything to happen, and another million to follow them. Maybe that’s because you cant hold everything together. Your hands are not big enough. You have to let go of something if you want to catch another thing. Even if you don’t want to, something's just slip right through. It's not like everything is up to you, but like they say everything happens for good. But you still can't just leave everything to go its way; you have a role to play in it too. I guess its instinct that you have to play your part. After all for how long can one person sit idle? Now see where my random thoughts are taking me. Better shut them down now. Though they'll still be juggling in my head.


Momina.

For who *I* am

Too close yet too far. You never realize its importance unless it's kept away from you. It not useless, you know that. It close to you and its significance is great but it can be gone. In a flash. And then you'll be gone of it, it wouldn’t be coming back, not even anything close to it. And then it will all be left in shatters of pain and memories, at least you have those with you, you think. But seriously, for how long? How many of it can you keep for yourself and yet guarantee it won't be washed away by new ones. Sure it will be still there, you'll even feel its presence, when someone calls on a memory it will ring a bell. And then you'll strain your mind knowing it happened, you knew it, it was right there up in your head!!! It would be drastic, as it'll bring back the pain; modified this time. Yet going through all that pain, there'll be a time when you'll remember the time gazing at a photograph and smile; at least you and the chance to have it so close to your heart, to experience it.  It won't be like you are over it but rather it'd be the fact that you have learned to live with the fact that it's gone, it's aim in the world achieved. Because you know, nobody comes or goes from the world without an aim. Not even a looser. Because if that'd be it there would be only a handful of people remembered.  So keep in mind that it's not important to do one great thing. I'd rather do random and small good things for many people. It may not make be a big person in this life but I'll know that people will remember that I did a good deed from them. They may smile thinking of me, they may say a prayer for me… and I'll be happy as I am whether a looser but I am a winner and a hero in the hearts of those close to me.  I don’t want people who fake around me. Instead I'll wish for a few good friends who are true to me. Who remember me for me!

Momina.