Monday, 30 April 2012

from me to you, as a friend.

'So how are you feeling today?' I ask the figure reclining on the couch as I grab my note-pad and take my usual place in my cozy arm chair.
'Giddy' he says, turning slightly on the sofa 'I think'
I nod but he doesn’t say anything, maybe he's waiting for me to say something.
'That’s okay; you might be experiencing a dozen more emotions at this moment.'
'How many patients do you get every day?'
I hate it when he makes the conversation drift to me abruptly, it makes me uneasy.
'Depends, on the appointments'
'How many emotions do you feel daily?'
I smile 'a hundred, maybe a thousand'
'Hard to believe, your face is quite bland more than half the time.'
I frown now, although he is very much at ease.
'well, that is none of your business. I am the physiatrist here; I am trying to solve your issues. Lets get back to that' I say it in as a measured tone as I can manage. Something about him keeps me at the edge.
He laughed out loud 'of course, but don’t you ever feel the need to consult someone too? Don’t you let loose?'
I am on the verge of screaming with impatience but I carry on in the same even tone 'my letting loose, Mr. Haven is my problem but your problem I have been noticing is that you worry more about others and if you put that ounce of attention to yourself you'll be much better. Not everyone is looking for your consent.'
'Isn't that what you do too? Worry about others?'
'No! I help people who make a big deal about worries.' This guy is weird. 'Anyways so tell me, what bothers you deep down? Makes you annoying for others'

Thankfully we continue the session without anymore of his wandering questions and I get up alongside him after an hour. I take my coat and the keys and while he puts his own coat on, he eyes me warily.
'You are leaving?'
'Indeed I am, I have errands to run' I say and he nods. As I shut and lock the door behind us, I keep thinking about the session. At times this guy disturbs me. When I get down he's getting into his car, I signal him and walk over.
'need a lift?'
'no thanks, I have my car with me. I know i am your physiatrist and it's a very formal acquaintance but if you have thought of any past sessions of ours I just want to give you an advice, as a friend though we are not' I pause and without letting him speak first I carry on 'you honestly need to stop thinking about others more than you need to, it's time you start giving yourself time and let people know you rather than you try to figure everything about them. It's become a habit of yours, it will take time to subside but you'll manage. Think over it.' With that I give him a smile and rush back to my car.
As I start the car a glance back at him and I can see it. What all those sessions of endless conversations couldn’t manage a few words did. Sometimes you don’t need all these money wasting sessions, all you need are some honest words from a friend that will bring you back to sense. I wave at him as I drive by, he might not need another session after this.


Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The game of fate!

the following piece is inspired by the 'the red thread of fate' theory. Thank you 'U' for sharing it, this ones for you.

She laughs loudly sitting in a circle of friends as she sweeps her hair out of her eyes with both hands, like a child would; her eyes are partially closed from the effort of laughing hard and her nose crinkled.  Whilst he sits at his home in front of the ever inescapable play station despite of his age, his hair is uncut and he doesn't care about half what going around. They sit miles apart at the moment yet they are destined to spend the rest of their lives together. For most she'd be passed as an average looking girl but for him then she'd become an enchanting sight; he would crave to look at, her laugh for him would become a brilliant melody  so captivating he'd follow it forever. And for her, for her his presence would be of enough wealth that she could ignore every other need or desire, for he'll become her strength. The red thread has been knotted to each of their little fingers. It may stretch, tangle or loosen but it would never break or come off. It will sustain till they find their destiny, till they find each other. Let the show of fate begin.


Thursday, 19 April 2012

showers from heavens.

Rain. It's incredible. I love rain and everything about it; the wonderful smell of it when it hits the ground, the tingly feeling when it hits your skin, the light breeze that seems to throw it from so many different angles.  Some days I stand in the rain and just feel it, letting it douse me, letting the wind ruffle around creating an aura of distinct happy bubble around me. It makes me feel cleansed, exotic; close to nature… frankly I don’t even have the words to explain. There's nothing quite like rain either. Imagine standing in the rain in the summers, at night, you can hear it beat down all around you, you can smell the exquisite smell of it, you can feel it, the freshness of it. You can hear the faint sounds of the kids splashing around in it and your mother calling you inside angrily with a towel and warm tea in her hands but along with all that you can sense the serenity and silence the rain leaves. May it be a light drizzle, a heavy downpour or just a normal shower there's always something different. Can't you picture sitting in your car with windows all fogged up and those raindrops making the most beautiful sounds? Envision walking around on wet grass while it rains, isn’t it the most refreshing? Like waking up after a perfect sleep, not drowsy or complaining. Picture all those beautiful moments enjoyed in the rain; a cup of hot cocoa while feeling the rain spray on your face, jumping in water puddles and laughing loudly not caring what people think, watching the cars go by just a splash of color, the blurred lights, being late for an occasion because of the rain. Beautiful, whether spent alone or with company. Ah yes I know what you'd be wondering! How can I forget waiting desperately for the sun to come out after the rain so you can see the rainbow? So simple yet amazing, ever considered how much happiness it brings to see those colours in the cloudless blue sky. 


Sunday, 15 April 2012


I bought a new toothbrush, it's orange and white and it has a bit yellow on its bristles. It's pretty.  I have also been wearing a yellow necklace for a regular three days now, it's not extraordinary just simple. It has a sequence in its beading two small ones follow a long one then two small ones again. I like it, I like the way the long ones catch the light and show rainbow hues on them. I am wearing it on my bun now. It's funny how I am attracted to the color yellow whereas when I was a kid I used to detest it. It would get dirty soon and it felt too bright. But I like it now, it's vividness. I look out for it now, I want it now. It seems we need the brightness in dull days right now. I got a bright yellow bag almost a year back, our car is yellow and the only shampoo that suits my hair is yellow; it used to be the jhonsons baby shampoo now it's the yellow Sunsilk. Nothing else suits my hair. It's not my favorite color, that’s blue, but yellow seems to lighten up every place, attracts attention, and puts a smile on your face; that’s why smileys are yellow. At times I wonder why people don’t use yellow make up that often. A yellow lipstick would sure make everybody laugh out loud. There are so many shades to the other colors! Jade, dark, grass, parrot etc to green. Royal, sky, navy, baby etc to blue. Blood, rose, dark , wine to read. But to yellow there is none. No fussing over a specific shade, just yellow. I wanted to get a wall in my room painted yellow but my mum denied it. But nothing brightens up a room like yellow. Nothing lightens up a mood like yellow, such a happy color! 


Thursday, 12 April 2012

Of LOL-ness, High-ness & Lame-ness

Me and U talking about all the random crazy things we want to do!

U: live a good pious life and then do all this stuff in heavens.
Me: or do this all now and rot in hell.
Me: what…? We can't sit around eating grapes!
U: so you'd rather burn in hell over and over again?
Me: no! I'd rather sit around eating grapes. But I don’t like grapes  so I'd prefer mangoes and strawberries!
U: you get all those in heavens too
Me: yeah…
Me: right now math is driving me mad!
W: and economics is cycling me coconuts!
Me: don't mind me. I have taken the leave of my senses. While you take the leave of the chatness
chatness reminds me of chaat. You know chana chat fruit chat
I hate fruit chaat!

Me: comeback. Lets run to the moon lets smile like the stars and stay in the vacuum
cuz there we can jump and still stay in mid air!
A: yes I like black dresses too
Me: i want to wear red clothes while parading while everyone else wears black
ME: .
M: I know right!
Me: indeed! And did you see the dinosaurs?
M: haan!
Me: gosh I love time machines!
M: yaar wo tou sex hai <3 , mera fav tou iron man hai!
Me: no! Barbie fairy topia mermadia! \m/
M: haven’t you seen the inception wala avatar?
M:  it's too much love yaar! Ab mainay usay dekha tou pigs k cubs ki bearish honay lagi! I felt Barbie from hell!
Me: I know right! Friggin' weird!
M: kasmaaay
Me:  I my, red and blue
M: cockroach and bull?
Me: i shall get the wings! i shall have my chance to fly!i will, i will
M: but what about sting on my lap to kiss
Me: dude, you feel as if they'd never foget! But they do and you regret it!
M: haan waisay!
Me: i knows. Catch the colors. HURRY! You lost them silly!

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

In The Middle Of Nowhere

I am not asleep but then I am not awake either. I am hanging somewhere in the middle of it all waiting for either one to envelop me so I can pursue something of use. Either go drowning in the world of my dreams or wake enough to manage to do something productive.  The conversation around me is hushed to murmurs yet at times it's so loud I can make out whole pieces of gossip. I weave in my own scenarios with every new piece of conversation beading a very long story, of course I cannot make head or tails out of it but it's just there; something I can hold on to while I tumble between consciousness and unconsciousness. Back and forth. And back and forth…

I can perceive that I am not getting anywhere with this state of coma but I am senseless; I can feel thoughts surround me in a haphazard fashion but I don’t have the energy to worry about them, or do they just flip out of my grip? The lights around my eyes blink in contrast until I am pretty sure they'd blind me. I have lost that absurd story of mine to hold on to and I might be rolling towards one of my goals though the ride seems endless I will get there eventually, hopefully in my right mind but till then I am useless and in the middle of nowhere (and just to make sure I am alone, there is no Muriel or courage the dog or even Eustace.)


Monday, 2 April 2012

Realisation strikes.

'She is scared. Yes. She shudders thinking about the near future, she cries silently in the darkness of the late nights…'
I stop and stare at the words I have written. My words. Words describing my feelings yet I make them anonymous.
"You are a coward" a voice from deep within my mind rumbles.
I shrug; I know so, of course.
"A COWARD" the voice is much more blunt and stabbing this time.
Despite myself I quiver suddenly with fear. I know I am one.
"What are you afraid of? That your friends might read this? They are friends! They'll know it! There is nothing to be afraid of, leave that hiding place of yours. Come up front, show yourself, there is more to you than you think, let people know. Come out! " 
I don’t know if it was a lecture, an order or a mere speech. I sigh, I feel something, a little confidence.
"Believe! Start over!"
I do as told. I write again, once more.
'I am scared. Yes. I shudder thinking about the near future, I cry silently in the darkness of the late nights… I am not sure if I walk alone or are all those I love beside me. I am not sure if my steps are steadfast, I do not want to stumble I know I'll bruise. I want support; I want them around me together, because together we'll manage. I know so.'
I can! I smile, I write on. It's me this time.