Crazy Rambling #10

Lately I’ve been finding extreme fascination in withering flowers, roses, to be specific. I pluck them off from our garden a little before they are about to shed their petals, and arrange them into an oasis. Eventually they become limp and flaccid and dry out in their dropped posture. They are incredibly fascinating if you take your time to look at them, to really see them, not just a glance. They are untold stories, incomplete, yet they hold a charm far more precious than all the finished stories, all the happy endings. Even though they dry out, they are pretty, worth saving. 

I've never understood why people press roses between the pages of a book; there is little beauty in something you are forcing to die. And personally, I find nothing interesting in looking at a rose flower that is pressed until it’s flimsy and lean. It’s a full blown rose that darkens in color, that closes upon itself as it dies and dries that holds my attention. It’s beautiful, still intact. Somehow still living and fragrant. It’s the incomplete story of those roses that fascinates me, and I've always been a sucker for unfinished stories.

-Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #9

When I step out of the house, my first instinct is to look up at the sky, to search for the clouds or feel the rain on my face. Today when I stepped out around four I looked up even before the porch ceiling was out of the way and when I noticed the sky, I sighed. It was beautiful; dotted with random white fluffy clouds overlapped by grey ones that made them look like they had blurry edges that transfused into the sky. It was beautiful, there's no other words for it. I am entranced by clouds, I guess it's pretty obvious considering I write a lot about them. Sigh. The blurry edges presented a different story to me, altogether. Like the stage beyond exhaustion, when tiring becomes funny; when the line between reality and imagination blur, when they merge. Those moments when you can believe what you see, even though whatever you see is probably half your imagination. The moments when everything makes sense, yet the next moment it's all senseless. That absurd, silly state. The wonderful reality of the moment.

-Momina

Crazy Ramblings #8

I rarely like the fizz. It makes me feel weird and it tickles. I like my drinks flat. I mean, it’s pretty senseless since they are called carbonated drinks for a reason and normal people like to drink them when they are fizzy. Normal people; who are they really? Is it being distinct in our own way? Because, no matter what we all are unique in our own sense.
I don’t think there is a normal. It’s an exotic jungle out there, with every distinct specie possible and they are all last in their own way. An exotic jungle of endangered species is what it is. There’s no normal, no average. Never is, was or will be. You are special, but so is every other person. You can’t judge that because you have no right to. There is no limit to how different you are no degree to your specialty. But, you are the one, the only and the last you. There won’t be any like you to follow. You are special.
You can be the one for fizz or the one for flat, or you might like them mixed up, there are endless possibilities but you are something extraordinary. You are special.

-Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #7

I love staring at the clouds; they fascinate me for various weird and crazy reasons. And lying in the sun, gazing at the white cotton like wisps of clouds is very peaceful, or at least I find it so. Also, I find it beautifully deceptive. Like cotton candy. It seems as if a pure white silken thread is being spun in the clear blue skies, yet when we ascend it’ nothing but a fog like thick illusion. Illusions; isn’t life filled with those. If our fate and destiny are written, then aren’t choices just a delusion? Like common sense, said to be so common, but lacking in every other. Illusions we believe in and take them for granted. But what is life without these illusions? Nothing, they are the reason that we construct so many thoughts. And without them, it’s like staring at a perfectly cloudless blue sky, nowhere to look with something different. No choices to make. Clouds, they are important.

-Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #1 | Crazy Ramblings #2 | Crazy Ramblings #3 | Crazy Ramblings #4 | Crazy Ramblings #5 | Crazy Ramblings #6

Fair chances

As the car moved another inch forward I groaned inwardly. The short fifteen hour journey felt extremely tiring to my well rested body. The cars jammed on the single road, as every other person tried to take the lead; the result was obviously havoc. I tapped my foot constantly on the car floor while my friend calmly smoked a cigarette behind the wheel; I coughed hard deliberately, wanting to make a point. But to my utter annoyance he just shrugged and hit the button that automatically rolled my window down. I looked at him, disgusted as I the clean air wafted through the car. I had come to hate these little rolls of nicotine people relied so much one, they did no good other than leaving the person delusional; that on it’s on had another history, of course.

I wasn’t intent on lecturing my friend with my already infuriated mood so I turned my head towards the window, letting out a shaky breath. I looked on to the next car in the glow of the setting sun. A sole figure in the back seat turned its head towards the window. Her eyes were closed as if in deep slumber but her eyebrows furrowed as if the sensation of pain was teasing her, yet, there was so much peace on that face. It was so simple and ordinary that I could have glimpsed of it in a crowd and not look back but right now, it put me on the edge.

I shook my head and looked down as my mobile flashed. A text message, another one. I placed the phone face down on the dash board and put my feet up next to it. I looked back at the girl in the next car. How could one be at peace with pain? The thought bothered me but the face relieved me, it was ordinarily distinctive. I frowned to myself, what was I thinking? But I was drawn to the face again. I imagined getting to know her, befriending her and chatting with her, laughing at a memory…

As the cars edged closer side by side, her eyes opened partially and looked deeply into mine, in that moment I felt something I had never felt before, a jolt, a connection. We held each other’s gaze for a long moment, till her eyes fell closed again. Maybe she was dreaming, maybe I was dreaming. My friend jolted the car forward violently, over taking as he turned in for the airport. I didn’t bother looking back to look for her car, what good would it do? Strangers. Was I delusional without drugging myself?

I rarely thought about her as I said good bye to my friend and got in for immigration and all. Was it possible to feel something yet never be able to know that person? My mind was clogged with old memories as I went through the bag and security checks, memories I thought I had lost somewhere. I still held on to them, I guess, even after all this time. I gave the flight attendant my boarding pass. I was one of the last ones so she smiled and led the way to my seat. The window seat was already taken by someone who had their head turned towards the window. I stuffed by hand carry in the compartments over the seats and sat down next to the lady in the woolly shawl.

The flight attendant arrived again at my side with a glass of water and some pain killers.

‘Ma’am?’ she whispered and the lady next to me turned her face. I felt a jolt in my nerves as our eyes met, the girl from the next car. It’s not delusional; there are always chances to be taken. 

Out of Ordinary

For H, because you are extraordinary and so is this friendship.

The first time I saw her she was seething, and quite honestly I was taken aback a little. A young lady shouldn't be this angry, she should swallow down her anger and speak politely; so was what my mother said, but this girl right here was all that she didnt said, for she shouted at top volume and proceeded to snatch the chocolate out of her friends hand...

The next I saw her was very different though, she was sitting in the library with books around her, confused with her head in her hands and her forehead wrinkled. Eye-brows furrowed as she jabbed the buttons on her calculator whilst I twitched in agony of what the buttons might have felt, she consulted the papers in front of her and frowned again, near to crying…

I sneaked a look at her from the corner of my eye; she was bent over her notebook scribbling furiously. She suddenly looked up at the board and looked down again before her eyes suddenly sparkled as her hand shot up. She spoke a confident ‘I am done’ and then gathered her stuff before disappearing outside. I sulked at my own paper.

I heard a loud laugh and I turned to look, I wasn’t expecting it to be her but it was. She laughed loud and bold; eyes clenched shut and mouth open wide, struggling for breath. Several minutes later I overheard her conversing with her friend. She spoke deeply as she represented her case; she recalled who might have been hurt by something she did or said.

There she was, different and distinct in her very own way; hard over the top and soft inside. She had taught me lessons I have failed to recognize, she has shown me the world through a different set of eyes. She might not be what she looks like, but get to know her and you’ll realize. It’s where the beauty lies.  

-Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #6

I have started relying on coke for when I get stressed. I just fill up a big coffee mug with it's cool blackness and sit in a quiet corner nursing my issues. I guess you have to, sometimes, you reach the level where you can't bother others with your own problems. It's then that you lean on these worldly non-living-but-fizzing-in-your-cup-as-if-alive things. I know it's mostly desserts people prefer with the whole phenomena of stress-spelled-backwards-is-desserts but coke is just as good. It doesn’t out does chocolate though, but it works fine, really. And the way it pops and fizzes in your mouth is somehow very calming.

And while I let out my concerns to coke, it frost the cup, letting out it's on the big mug it's filling. And I suppose the mug lets it out in the air where it all mingles with other stuff hanging there; looked over stuff, avoided stuff, disappointed stuff. It's there, together in it's loneliness. Like me. like us. I think too much. Next time I'll try calling a friend while drinking that mug of coke; someone to hold me in the reality, while I am probably going crazy.

Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #5

It's better to stop expecting anything from others and to keep up to only your expectations and only for yourself. Why? Because sometime, somewhere everyone is going to disappoint you and to save yourself thedisappointment of being disappointed you need to stop keeping expectations. Save yourself some misery, because you would be disappointing people too. So, it's just better to set your own goals, reach them, have a personal celebration and be happy. The point is being happy. And you'll only be happy when nobody is hurting you and you are hurting nobody. I am not sure why I am writing this, but I think we all need to be happy. It's important. I am crazy.

Crazy Ramblings #4

Lately I have been reading a lot of suicide posts on different blogs and hearing such stories. It's mostly them or goodbye posts. Like the other day; I was going through some blogs and most of them had just goodbyes. I wonder if it will ever happen to me.  I hope not. And then there are the suicide posts. I don’t know why people even consider it. They probably consider it because of people.  Whoever had the thought of suicide occur to him or her and who is reading this I want them to know something: nobody is worth it. You'd be sacrificing your life for them but there is a 90% probability that they wouldn’t even care, they'll go ahead with their own lives and probably hurt a few other people like they did you. So it's better just to hang in there, regardless of the hurt and betrayal. It will obviously pain you but sooner or later you will come to terms with yourself. And if it's crucial times that have caused you to think of it, I am sure life hasn’t disappointed you and has done better for you, and in times to come it will do the same. So don’t consider suicide, consider moving on. Smile. Deny your life the hurt and pain. Be strong. Face it. Stand up. You are worth everything good that has ever happened to you, and more. Be happy. Be crazy. I am crazy. I know I am. 

Crazy Ramblings #3

I have had the pleasure of having a couple of brilliant friend, each unique in a distinct way and some exceptional than the rest (and I am not even being modest). They have been there and always there for me, for quite some time now, so much that I seem to have forgotten how to make friends. I guess it comes naturally but I have been having this craving to let someone to know me; someone who knows who I am but doesn’t know me. I restraint myself to a certain level of frankness but this time I am willing to surpass the barriers. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I want someone to come up to me and tell me they want to know me. Again, I am not sure why.  I know it's useless since it will be up to me to open up to them and that is a very difficult task, for me at least. It's not that I am not at ease with my friends, I am, but I have this weird craving to know someone better. I am probably crazy. I know I am.

Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #2

Sometimes when I get too angry or tired or sad or just unsatisfied, I go in the kitchen and I open the door of the freezer and stand in front of it. I just stand there and make an effort to not think and concentrate on breathing. And at one point I realize that breathing in the cold freezer air is difficult because it hits your throat in a weird way. I don’t know why but it happens every time and the thought just hits me. Even when I know it's going to pop into my mind when I stand in front of the freezer, it still strikes me. And when we are angry or tired or sad or just unsatisfied, we just need these type of weird thoughts to tell us that it doesn’t matter. Everything is a random silly thing that somehow makes sense and it isn’t really important to understand it. I think I get high on the cold freezer air. I am probably crazy. I know I am.

Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #1

If you stare at the clouds long enough you'll realize they are moving. But they do move and everybody knows that right? No, everyone knows that they move but not everyone wants to watch them move. But if you sit quietly outside sometime of the day or night and look at those cotton like wisps of clouds for a certain interval you will see them move, and then your eyes will follow them; sometimes patiently and sometimes edgily. But at one point they'll be moving and you'll be watching them move and then you'll feel all this peace and tranquility inside you; because at that moment you'll know that it has to move, everything, everyone, so that you are filled with the peace at times. Sometimes when there are no clouds I crave for these serene moments. I am probably crazy. I know I am.


Momina.