Of Selfishness and Change

I am here; curled up on a sofa in my corner with a cup of steaming coffee and the laptop. There is something increasingly calm about occupying a place where you can sit quietly and observe everything but people ignore you, because you are almost invisible in that spot. It lovely having a piece of mind without anyone around to pry or engage you, and at times these are the very moments that one craves. The ‘me-times’. Are we really selfish beings that don’t care about what goes around? Or do we just care too much?

I think it’s the latter. We care a little too much about others, about what goes around that we forget to pay the required attention to ourselves. To look at ourselves and think of where we might need grooming. No, we are too worried about how the others should behave, dress and speak etc. that we don’t even mind our own. We pay no mind to our own activities as we set on the journey to create a better world.

Change starts from within, from us. We can never bring a change that we want unless we alter ourselves to it first, there cannot be change if we ourselves refuse to change. With every little modification we make in ourselves we grow up a little, we become wiser, we progress and this development only can let us change the world for better.

We need the ‘me-times’; we need them to become a little selfish, to give ourselves a thought and a cleansing. Without being selfish we can never accept being ourselves and without having the confidence of being ourselves we cannot accept nor bring a change. Change from within, change for the betterment not for acceptance.

-Momina. 

Image courtesy: Google.

Tread it Together!

When there’s not much to say,

And too much has been heard.

Regrets pile up along with each step

The road seems all desolate and dust.

Look for the tiny green sprouting up,

Around you among the dried up crust

Wonder, how in the deserts they mature?

When all tread it together you see,

It’s about time the earth goes soft and subtle

That’s where you are right now, child,

Helping in smoothing land for tomorrow. 

Momina.

Poisoning dreams

For Adoniah- "Taking it to the next level."

She lay there as the poison seeped through the blood circulating inside her. She lay there numb to the pain and the slight burning that she was supposed to feel. She lay dazed while her muscles and bones mashed into one another, as she repeatedly hit her head against the brick wall. Immune to the pain. She shifted her head, gazing at the blood stained pillow. Alarmed she got up suddenly, only to realize that it was her own, yet she did not bleed.  It dribbled towards her, bubbling vivid red with just a slight tinge of purple. Glowing. She was intimidated, wanting to touch it, but holding back. She backed away, abruptly falling as the room around her turned to a blur, however she never touched the ground, As if the air had halted but she was still falling. There wasn’t blood anymore, but water; pure and colorless. It fell all around her, everywhere, except on her. She cringed away as a drop fell on her, scared. Out of the blue, she was knocked down, falling into a garden, unscathed. As she rose she noticed the rain, which came down heavy and bruised her skin. It turned red, burning red and felt like pinching shards of glass on her skin. She started to run but fell too often, while someone pulled her and her eyes twitched. She rose from her dream as she dreamt on, as the poison seeped through and she slept on.

-Momina.

Such serene moments...

She lay there, among a cascade of sheets, hands behind her head and ankle carelessly crossed; Days old red nail-polish chipping off.  The fan whirs above too loud for the quiet that surrounds her, the lights too harsh for her seemingly serene moments, the atmosphere to formal for her casual posture. She sits in a place too unlike herself… too formal. Her mind is another place to be, nothing like her posture or the décor around; it’s mayhem of thoughts, a turmoil of ideas replaced every moment, flipping out of grasp, exploding volcanoes of colors, rainbows of events, chaos of recollection. Such serene moments.

-Momina.

picture source : http://www.facebook.com/Urbah.V.Photography?fref=ts

Crazy Ramblings #6

I have started relying on coke for when I get stressed. I just fill up a big coffee mug with it's cool blackness and sit in a quiet corner nursing my issues. I guess you have to, sometimes, you reach the level where you can't bother others with your own problems. It's then that you lean on these worldly non-living-but-fizzing-in-your-cup-as-if-alive things. I know it's mostly desserts people prefer with the whole phenomena of stress-spelled-backwards-is-desserts but coke is just as good. It doesn’t out does chocolate though, but it works fine, really. And the way it pops and fizzes in your mouth is somehow very calming.

And while I let out my concerns to coke, it frost the cup, letting out it's on the big mug it's filling. And I suppose the mug lets it out in the air where it all mingles with other stuff hanging there; looked over stuff, avoided stuff, disappointed stuff. It's there, together in it's loneliness. Like me. like us. I think too much. Next time I'll try calling a friend while drinking that mug of coke; someone to hold me in the reality, while I am probably going crazy.

Momina.

Roadside treats

We all travel an aimless, useless journey. It’s nothing till we move on and realize, and it’s then, that it becomes meaningful. Striving us towards a purpose and strengthening it as we move on. The result always tempting us to move further, one step faster, one jump closer. We are fragments of nothing until there comes a reason of achievement.  We are just travelers of a barren road attracted by the occasional treats to feed our purpose.

But one often embarks on a journey with a mind set so adamantly on a subject that we forget most of the journey. We forget to enjoy the path. There’s always the leaping forward and grabbing the prize; what comes to you on that way is of not of a mere importance. And in those moments of lust for the prize and the fire of winning we very often lose. Not the race but to the reality; to the acceptance that, that which came to us on the way was far more important, more infinite than the end prize itself only then you’ve lost it and seldom does it comes back.

-Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #4

Lately I have been reading a lot of suicide posts on different blogs and hearing such stories. It's mostly them or goodbye posts. Like the other day; I was going through some blogs and most of them had just goodbyes. I wonder if it will ever happen to me.  I hope not. And then there are the suicide posts. I don’t know why people even consider it. They probably consider it because of people.  Whoever had the thought of suicide occur to him or her and who is reading this I want them to know something: nobody is worth it. You'd be sacrificing your life for them but there is a 90% probability that they wouldn’t even care, they'll go ahead with their own lives and probably hurt a few other people like they did you. So it's better just to hang in there, regardless of the hurt and betrayal. It will obviously pain you but sooner or later you will come to terms with yourself. And if it's crucial times that have caused you to think of it, I am sure life hasn’t disappointed you and has done better for you, and in times to come it will do the same. So don’t consider suicide, consider moving on. Smile. Deny your life the hurt and pain. Be strong. Face it. Stand up. You are worth everything good that has ever happened to you, and more. Be happy. Be crazy. I am crazy. I know I am. 

Crazy Ramblings #3

I have had the pleasure of having a couple of brilliant friend, each unique in a distinct way and some exceptional than the rest (and I am not even being modest). They have been there and always there for me, for quite some time now, so much that I seem to have forgotten how to make friends. I guess it comes naturally but I have been having this craving to let someone to know me; someone who knows who I am but doesn’t know me. I restraint myself to a certain level of frankness but this time I am willing to surpass the barriers. I don’t know why. I don’t know how. I want someone to come up to me and tell me they want to know me. Again, I am not sure why.  I know it's useless since it will be up to me to open up to them and that is a very difficult task, for me at least. It's not that I am not at ease with my friends, I am, but I have this weird craving to know someone better. I am probably crazy. I know I am.

Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #2

Sometimes when I get too angry or tired or sad or just unsatisfied, I go in the kitchen and I open the door of the freezer and stand in front of it. I just stand there and make an effort to not think and concentrate on breathing. And at one point I realize that breathing in the cold freezer air is difficult because it hits your throat in a weird way. I don’t know why but it happens every time and the thought just hits me. Even when I know it's going to pop into my mind when I stand in front of the freezer, it still strikes me. And when we are angry or tired or sad or just unsatisfied, we just need these type of weird thoughts to tell us that it doesn’t matter. Everything is a random silly thing that somehow makes sense and it isn’t really important to understand it. I think I get high on the cold freezer air. I am probably crazy. I know I am.

Momina.

Crazy Ramblings #1

If you stare at the clouds long enough you'll realize they are moving. But they do move and everybody knows that right? No, everyone knows that they move but not everyone wants to watch them move. But if you sit quietly outside sometime of the day or night and look at those cotton like wisps of clouds for a certain interval you will see them move, and then your eyes will follow them; sometimes patiently and sometimes edgily. But at one point they'll be moving and you'll be watching them move and then you'll feel all this peace and tranquility inside you; because at that moment you'll know that it has to move, everything, everyone, so that you are filled with the peace at times. Sometimes when there are no clouds I crave for these serene moments. I am probably crazy. I know I am.


Momina.

I cried...

We have a high roof in the lounge, higher than that in other rooms, so sometimes I lie down and stare at it, and I think. Last night, I stared at it because sleep wouldn’t come to me and I cried. I cried because I had lost friends. I cried because I knew I was losing the rest. I cried because I had no idea what was going on. I cried because I didn’t know the path of my future. I cried because I forgot what went on in the past. I cried because at that moment I forgot everything and I cried because I was lost, not known when to be found again. I cried because I was unhappy. I cried because my unhappiness made others unhappy. I cried because some people suddenly just stop. I cried because I wasn’t sure if they trusted me that moment. I cried because I was alone, because I was sad and for some reason guilty. I cried because sometimes nobody understands. And I cried because sometimes they understand too much. I cried because I misinterpreted people. I cried because everything is just an illusion. I cried because there really is no perfection. I cried because the end is always too close. I cried because it all made sense but then I cried because I was confused. I cried and cried and then I fell into an uneasy slumber. I hope nobody cries like that.

Momina.

Crumpled Fairy-tales

It's in the middle of the night, at times, that I get the urge to write, vent it all out. Everything. I am hopeless, I have been proved wrong over and over again by life and people. Everyone and everything is deceiving, lying has become 'trendy'. Was there really a time when people valued and kept there promises? It doesn't seems so, not in my case. I don't say much about myself to people, but there are times when I am talking and I let something slip, at the time it's all fine because it's finally out but then it bothers me, gnawing on my consciousness. I hope I'd stop caring about all those times when something spilled out but it's a very open world and secrets are as explosive as bombs. It's saddening how there is no room left for honesty or secrecy together. I loath change, it's followed me through life yet it fails to come by when I want it. It seems like all's changing around me; things and people all too fast and it pains me to see the change it makes me hopeless. It's an evil world where people don't admit their own words, a promise reminded of daily is crumpled after a new surprise, the old things lose their sheen and everything replaced.  There are no forever-s or never-s in life. We really just walk alone, nobody and nothing is reliable. Not even words it seems so, they tend to draft a fairy tale of their own.
Momina.

Hope

She watches every sunrise with such passion, intrigued by the exquisiteness of it, taking in every single way it differs from the sunrise the day before. She prays as she watches the scarlet turning to amber, a streak of pink and gold. Who knows which of these sunrises would turn her life around and onto the route of contentment? She didn’t want to miss the advent of the day that would change her life.  And so she implored every first light, bidding the morning moon goodbye. It pained her to leave with the grief inside that maybe this day would be same as the last, but bless her for she still had hope for smiles. 

Momina.

showers from heavens.

Rain. It's incredible. I love rain and everything about it; the wonderful smell of it when it hits the ground, the tingly feeling when it hits your skin, the light breeze that seems to throw it from so many different angles.  Some days I stand in the rain and just feel it, letting it douse me, letting the wind ruffle around creating an aura of distinct happy bubble around me. It makes me feel cleansed, exotic; close to nature… frankly I don’t even have the words to explain. There's nothing quite like rain either. Imagine standing in the rain in the summers, at night, you can hear it beat down all around you, you can smell the exquisite smell of it, you can feel it, the freshness of it. You can hear the faint sounds of the kids splashing around in it and your mother calling you inside angrily with a towel and warm tea in her hands but along with all that you can sense the serenity and silence the rain leaves. May it be a light drizzle, a heavy downpour or just a normal shower there's always something different. Can't you picture sitting in your car with windows all fogged up and those raindrops making the most beautiful sounds? Envision walking around on wet grass while it rains, isn’t it the most refreshing? Like waking up after a perfect sleep, not drowsy or complaining. Picture all those beautiful moments enjoyed in the rain; a cup of hot cocoa while feeling the rain spray on your face, jumping in water puddles and laughing loudly not caring what people think, watching the cars go by just a splash of color, the blurred lights, being late for an occasion because of the rain. Beautiful, whether spent alone or with company. Ah yes I know what you'd be wondering! How can I forget waiting desperately for the sun to come out after the rain so you can see the rainbow? So simple yet amazing, ever considered how much happiness it brings to see those colours in the cloudless blue sky. 

Momina.

Yellow!

I bought a new toothbrush, it's orange and white and it has a bit yellow on its bristles. It's pretty.  I have also been wearing a yellow necklace for a regular three days now, it's not extraordinary just simple. It has a sequence in its beading two small ones follow a long one then two small ones again. I like it, I like the way the long ones catch the light and show rainbow hues on them. I am wearing it on my bun now. It's funny how I am attracted to the color yellow whereas when I was a kid I used to detest it. It would get dirty soon and it felt too bright. But I like it now, it's vividness. I look out for it now, I want it now. It seems we need the brightness in dull days right now. I got a bright yellow bag almost a year back, our car is yellow and the only shampoo that suits my hair is yellow; it used to be the jhonsons baby shampoo now it's the yellow Sunsilk. Nothing else suits my hair. It's not my favorite color, that’s blue, but yellow seems to lighten up every place, attracts attention, and puts a smile on your face; that’s why smileys are yellow. At times I wonder why people don’t use yellow make up that often. A yellow lipstick would sure make everybody laugh out loud. There are so many shades to the other colors! Jade, dark, grass, parrot etc to green. Royal, sky, navy, baby etc to blue. Blood, rose, dark , wine to read. But to yellow there is none. No fussing over a specific shade, just yellow. I wanted to get a wall in my room painted yellow but my mum denied it. But nothing brightens up a room like yellow. Nothing lightens up a mood like yellow, such a happy color! 

Momina.

Of LOL-ness, High-ness & Lame-ness

Me and U talking about all the random crazy things we want to do!

U: live a good pious life and then do all this stuff in heavens.

Me: or do this all now and rot in hell.

U: WHAT?

Me: what…? We can't sit around eating grapes!

U: so you'd rather burn in hell over and over again?

Me: no! I'd rather sit around eating grapes. But I don’t like grapes  so I'd prefer mangoes and strawberries!

U: you get all those in heavens too

Me: yeah…

____

Me: right now math is driving me mad!

W: and economics is cycling me coconuts!

____

Me: don't mind me. I have taken the leave of my senses. While you take the leave of the chatness
chatness reminds me of chaat. You know chana chat fruit chat
I hate fruit chaat!

Me: comeback. Lets run to the moon lets smile like the stars and stay in the vacuum
cuz there we can jump and still stay in mid air!

A: yes I like black dresses too

____

U: ITS AN IDIOTS PARADE THIS WORLD!!

Me: i want to wear red clothes while parading while everyone else wears black

____

ME: .

M: I know right!

Me: indeed! And did you see the dinosaurs?

M: haan!

Me: gosh I love time machines!

M: yaar wo tou sex hai <3 , mera fav tou iron man hai!

Me: no! Barbie fairy topia mermadia! \m/

M: haven’t you seen the inception wala avatar?

M:  it's too much love yaar! Ab mainay usay dekha tou pigs k cubs ki bearish honay lagi! I felt Barbie from hell!

Me: I know right! Friggin' weird!

M: kasmaaay

Me:  I my, red and blue

M: cockroach and bull?

Me: i shall get the wings! i shall have my chance to fly!i will, i will

M: but what about sting on my lap to kiss

Me: dude, you feel as if they'd never foget! But they do and you regret it!

M: haan waisay!

Me: i knows. Catch the colors. HURRY! You lost them silly!

In The Middle Of Nowhere

I am not asleep but then I am not awake either. I am hanging somewhere in the middle of it all waiting for either one to envelop me so I can pursue something of use. Either go drowning in the world of my dreams or wake enough to manage to do something productive.  The conversation around me is hushed to murmurs yet at times it's so loud I can make out whole pieces of gossip. I weave in my own scenarios with every new piece of conversation beading a very long story, of course I cannot make head or tails out of it but it's just there; something I can hold on to while I tumble between consciousness and unconsciousness. Back and forth. And back and forth…

I can perceive that I am not getting anywhere with this state of coma but I am senseless; I can feel thoughts surround me in a haphazard fashion but I don’t have the energy to worry about them, or do they just flip out of my grip? The lights around my eyes blink in contrast until I am pretty sure they'd blind me. I have lost that absurd story of mine to hold on to and I might be rolling towards one of my goals though the ride seems endless I will get there eventually, hopefully in my right mind but till then I am useless and in the middle of nowhere (and just to make sure I am alone, there is no Muriel or courage the dog or even Eustace.)

Momina.