Spent In Time Traps

I am stagnant. Stuck, trapped, in time. Where, exactly? I know naught. And I am confused; undecided about whether to move or not. The effort to move requires energy and that seems to be lost. No matter how hard I try I cannot summon it. Besides, I don’t think I want to move. I am a captive of my sanity, or is it my insanity? Spellbound in my own conscience, unwilling to escape even when I can. It’s an easy way out, but it seems too much, a journey I am reluctant to make.

I can’t read or think or write. It’s seems like ages when I last wrote, or attended to business that needs to be done. It all seems pointless. I just want to sit back and watch everyday go by, no issues of time or jobs due. No nothing. Every day, though, there’s a moment when I think, when I know that I can do anything, be anything, and conquer all. But in a blink that reserve of energy is gone and I am left in an abyss of futile thoughts. Just like that. I let it go too soon maybe. My actions seem so slow. Like the feeling when you take sleeping pills and everything goes so hazy that you need minutes to think something so simple. That trance? It feel like that. Yes.

Oh well, there’s always tomorrow right? Today we can sit back and relax and just worry later…tomorrow. And act too, of course. It’s seems like a petty argument between now or never, where I am lost. Being tossed around, not struggling but misplaced. Waiting for a sign, for strength.

-Momina.

Break us down.

Sometimes we lose to expectations and then we fall hard, on our face. We deny it, we scream and we look for unseen closure. Thinking of all our hard work, our prayers and our expectations, all failed to nothing. We cheat ourselves. We act. We pretend. Because we know, deep down, that we never really worked hard enough, we lacked. We prayed, yes. We kept expectations higher than necessary, yes. But we failed so we pretend.

We crumble under our own expectations and the carry the weight of those hopes that others have from us. We hide from the truth and the acceptance of our faults. And so we blame. We blame it on every possible option. We break, inside. We doubt and we lose joy. In the end we just sag; unable to carry the weight anymore, of the acceptance and expectations and reality.

-Momina.